i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
