bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
