it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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