Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I FOUND THE LEGS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
