anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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