she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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