Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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