i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
