Only a mothe r could love this liver
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
