life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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