Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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