I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
