I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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