He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
