I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
