Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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