You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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