I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
