Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
