hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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