How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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