its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
