Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
