eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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