this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
