Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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