I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
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