I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
there is glitter all over my balls
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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