Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
