You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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