I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
