i think i have herpe
just one?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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