sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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