when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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