You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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