I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
