hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
