Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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