considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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