I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
