so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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