i would punch a child for taco bell
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
