Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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