she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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