you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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