Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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