Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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