According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
