He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
