My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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