Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
