Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
